Seeking Help

I reached out today to seek an online therapist to see if I can work through the road block that is in my mind.  I am saying this because I know in the United States, in particular, mental health and seeking out help has a stigma which needs to go away. Getting help, talking through things, and learning coping mechanisms that are healthy are never bad things. Never. Asking for help always makes you stronger. Always. 

So the reason I am asking for help is because me weight correlates with my mental health. And let me be clear... this is not a body image issue. I know I am adorable no matter how big or small I am. It is feeling unhealthy... feeling tired, feeling winded, and just not my best self from a health stance. That is what drags me down about weight gain. 

I notice that I do have drastic weight gains in moments of loss. I gained weight and became unhealthy after losing my grandmother and Aunt Joan in a short amount of time. I gained weight and became unhealthy when a troubled friendship ended. I gained weight and became unhealthy when a pandemic hit and loss contact with all my routines/happy places. And when I say gain weight I don't mean 5-15 pounds I mean a lot. When I am grieving I eat more, move less, and let go of the things I normally care about in my home care as well. 

Once I process the grief and get revitalize I lose the weight and get fit again. And again, I don't mean, 5-15 pounds, I mean a lot. This happened when I started UC Davis and was content with things especially studying abroad in Ireland. Or in 2016, when I decided that Monterey was home and I made some really good friends. That's me.  

230 pounds when I'm grieving.  130 pounds when I am content and happy. 

I think I am still grieving a lot of things since Fall of 2019 and into the pandemic. I am not moving past it in the way that I should. And I need to learn to cope with grief and create healthy relationships with food. Because even though I put on pounds fast and also lose pounds fast... I don't want to keep doing that and I want to learn to cope.

The only time I want to do the 230-130 dance is  if I am being paid millions of dollars to play a role in a movie. 

So I am getting help to sort through these things. I will post on my journey not my weight loss journey but my spiritual one. Cause for me that IS the most important thing. Women are beautiful no matter the size, but they are most beautiful when they are whatever size and happy.  

Working on that happy. 

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