2019 was the year of...

I think it is important to take the end of the year to reflect on the good, the triumphant, the difficult, and the failures. Years really do not mean anything if you think about how arbitrary it all is, but it is the only way to document history and even our own personal history to see our growth. Whether it was a good year, a bad year, or somewhere in between growth happened. You changed. I started this thing after reading a book about naming the chapter of our lives, because if you notice years do have themes and they are never the same. I wouldn't have known that if I didn't take the time at the end of the year to search for the right word. Here is my life so far. 

• 1987-2001 CHILDHOOD
• 2001-2005 ADOLESCENCE 
• 2005 the year of DOUBT
• 2006 the year of LOSS
• 2007 the year of the HOPE
• 2008 the year of ABANDON 
• 2009 the year of UNKNOWN
• 2010 the year of RISK
• 2011 the year of LEARNING 
• 2012 the year of PAYING DUES 
• 2013 the year of ISOLATION 
• 2014 the year of DEVELOPMENT
• 2015 the year of HOME
• 2016 the year of EXPANSION
• 2017 the year of FOLLOW THROUGH  
• 2018 the year of EQUANIMITY

Coming off the growth and relative ease of the last three years has made 2019 seem really hard. Maybe I needed those three years in order to handle this one. I really do want to stress that I never want to be someone who only brags and highlights the good, because I honestly find more value in looking at what pained me. 2019 was not easy nor was it fully bad either it was this constant stop and go. Times of feeling invincible and then times of questioning everything. This is also the first year in three years where my weight is higher than I started. I learned a lot. 

There are five main narratives or themes that have popped up in my reflections about 2019. 

1. Frustration: 

This year has a few threads of being completely frustrated. Trying to control things that I cannot possibly control. Trying to solve things that I cannot possibly solve. Constantly feeling like I am never quite reaching my health goal. Always miss the mark at meeting what I wanted to meet. Constantly feeling like certain elements of work kept reminding me of all the things I wasn't able to do or that some people never truly see me for what I am. That frustration got the best of me this year. Last year, it didn't I just soared through. This year I ate things I probably shouldn't have and took more rest days than I should have, because I was having a hard time accepting perceived injustices that I had no power to change. Or getting frustrated at myself for not quite meeting an arbitrary goal that would be great to meet, but not essential for my vital health. Basically I tried to over-balance too many things and the school year brought some hard challenges to face that I could not shoulder. The truth is there is no balance. It is an adapting percentage that changes constantly that, we humans, need to correct in the other direction. I overcorrected and became frustrated instead of adapting. I suppose I really am human! The good news is that I am not frustrated anymore, because I was able to reflect on why I was frustrated. 

2. Embracing Old Hobbies:  
I re-introduce myself to something I love doing. Podcasting and talking about the things I love with people. I am not really an artistic person. I write, but it is a flow of consciousness type of writing not a really creative form. My strengths have always been communication and well I reconnected with an old podcast colleague to get the podcast idea that I have been thinking about going again. It is a lot of fun and allows me to create, think, and analyze in a way that does not drive the people around me crazy. I really do feel like I need to do it even if it never takes off as anything more than a few people talking about the things we love with a quaint listenership that also enjoys the same thing. So much fun.

3. Identity Dissonance: 
Over the year I have had moments of feeling the need redefine or feel like how I see myself was not how others see me. Losing weight was the goal, but by doing so it changed some things and sometimes overweight people who lose weight still think of themselves as overweight. It is bizarre. True, though. It takes some time to update your self-concept and the process of changing your self-concept can be painful even if the change isn't bad. Sounds strange. But our minds and bodies prefer comfort even though discomfort is what it needs to grow. So any monumental change that makes you see yourself in a new way throws you off a bit. Like realizing you CAN wear something or that maybe you should get over some insecurities to figure out what you want to wear. Then having to fight off the voice in your head that says 'this is not you' or 'stop pretending'. I swear I had like four girl meltdowns this year and I am not that girly. Thankfully I have calmed down, but my lord, was it a thing that I was freaking out about. It was real, man. It was real.

4. Strengthening Bonds: 
I feel like the friends I have were strengthened this year. I admit that I am not the most emotionally available person (working on it). But this year I feel like I have really grown closer to my friends, reconnected with some old ones in a big way, and also re-establishing friendships that got lost a bit with busy schedules. Genuine bonds make fighting through identity dissonance and frustration easier.

5. Exploration  

I traveled to Austin, New Orleans, Chicago, and Mexico which are all new places. I also revisited Los Angeles, Paso Robles, and my old stomping grounds of UC Davis. Explored a new way of teaching 7th grade through themes. Trying new civic tools in my classroom to empower my students to see themselves in the content and to act on the issues they see in our society. I have read 17 books. Been to many concerts this year including The Who, Parachute, Jonas Brothers, Billy Raffoul & Wrable, Jennifer Lopez, and The Chainsmokers w/ Five Seconds of Summer. I saw Hamilton as well. In terms of sports, I went to see my San Jose Earthquakes, Seattle Sounders, United States Women's Soccer Team, San Francisco Giants, and San Jose Sharks play. Went to some festivals as well like the Monterey Scottish Festival and the Dickens Fair. Seattle Sounders won the MLS Championship. Liverpool won Europe's Champions League. Went on a handful of hikes, including the Pinnacles which was my first time. Exploring is learning, watching, participating, and being an active member of the world. I can definitely say I had some fun in the middle of all the frustration.

Now, thinking on those themes above and reflecting on the feeling of the year I have decided on a chapter title. The feelings that 2019 give me is this constant pull of good and bad, two steps forward and one step back, frustration, being punched and still moving forward, and this desire for constant movement yet feeling constrained.

So this is why I dub 2019 the year of THE GRIND. 

It showcases the idea that this year was not pretty, but I got through it feeling like I can survive another round. Some wonderfully creative things came out of the frustration and some lessons were definitely learned. It was not perfect, but maybe it was necessary to realize a life surviving on routines cannot survive the messiness of life. I need to adapt. I cannot survive militant structured or nothing at all.

Hopes for Next Year: 
I hope to continue back onto those health goals with some adaptability and love for when things come my way. I hope my friends and family stay healthy and content. I hope to strengthen bonds and never stop exploring. I am also going to be attempting to complete the Spartan Trifecta, so better get my mind in the right state to survive or at least grind it through. 

This summer will most likely be more domestic pursuits and possibly a trip to Italy or Scandinavia. Or maybe see if I can bother my cousin in the U.A.E. Keeping my options open. Being adaptable! 

Happy 2020 everyone. The year of Barbara Walters.