Authenticity: A myth, a mistake, or a miracle
Authenticity is a word a that is both important and misunderstood. The word at its most base level simply means honest and original. Someone who lives their life in a completely honest and open manner would be someone who lives their life authentically.
The idea of 'authentic' has become a public relations buzz word. This means we live in a world where even being authentic is a marketable trait, which muddies the water since if you are manufactured then by definition you are not authentic. But that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, because as long as you feel an authentic relatability about a politician or celebrity then everyone has done their job. Al Gore, for example, was often criticized for not seeming authentic since he seemed stiff. In never occurred to anyone, that his stiffness might be his authentic self and the weird creepy guy who tongued his wife on stage was someone who was trying to 'relate' to a group of people he had absolutely no idea how to relate to. We are constantly being sold how to be authentic by truly fake and calculated people. Social media is a really good example of how 'authenticity' is being warped by this idea that people are sharing their lives. Most people are only showing parts of their lives, but that is the measure that many people compare themselves to.
So how do you know when you are authentic?
To me being truly authentic is hard to accomplish. I feel like it is this level of enlightenment that asks you to throw away all your defense mechanisms. Throw out your intimacy issues, your trust issues, your control issues, and your commitment issues. Get rid of all of it. Let people see the whole you. Every part. The part where you find it hard to get out of bed, because you are so worn down and you truly doubt you can make it through the day. The part where you admit your feelings were hurt when someone said something to you and being honest with yourself about why it hurt so much. Allowing yourself to go where you need to go, feel what you need to feel, and be brutally honest with yourself and consistent with others. Most people have baggage and with baggage comes learned behaviors that protects the part of them that was harmed before. You cannot say that person is fake, but you can definitely say that person is not open. Most people are stuck in survival mode or they have learned that being truly authentic can come with a cost. Alienation, true rejection, and can also put a target on their back for bullying as well. This is why being truly authentic in all aspects of life is hard.
Can you have integrity and find it hard to be authentic?
Integrity is an important value in my life. I value integrity and I strive to be someone of integrity. Not saying I am perfect at it, but it is what I respect in others and hope others see that within me as well. So, I naturally began to question if people could have integrity even though someone might not have reached the highest enlightened form of authenticity. I think one can, because I think the two serve different masters. Integrity is about morality and dependability. Do you do what you say? Do you act in accordance with your values? Do you hold yourself to a high moral standard? One can answer yes to all those questions and hide their vulnerabilities, hide their emotions, and guard their secrets from most of the world making them someone who is closed. Filled with integrity, but closed. Much like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Meanwhile, Luna Lovegood is someone who both has integrity (moral goodness) and is truly authentic as well in the face of much judgement. Authenticity is about knocking down walls and integrity is about living within a moral code. One is about self-acceptance and the other is about self-guidance. I do think though people cannot be authentic without integrity, but people can have integrity while struggling to find the open-side of authenticity.
So how do you live a more authentic life?
No idea. That is my authentic answer. There are so many blogs, self-help books, and social media personalities that are pushing cheap tricks to get people to become a more authentic person. Some of them might even work for people, but in my experience the only thing that will ever work is learning who you are completely and being honest with yourself. Examine everything. You don't have to change who you are to be authentic, but you do need to start seeing yourself in a true manner. That can be a painful process, but a freeing one as well and then from there you can start to show that to the people around you. I don't believe in shortcuts and I don't think anything can be purchased.
Is it possible to become truly authentic with everyone?
Yes. Though not many and I think that is alright. Some people are harder than others to be truly authentic with. I am definitely more authentic with certain people over others. There are a choice group of friends and family members who see all parts of me both good and bad. My students, honestly, see most of my authentic self as well though they are not privy on every detail nor have they seen me deeply emotional. However, they see my mistakes and they know my story which is that I struggled as a kid. I was not perfect and I am not perfect now, nor do I expect them to be perfect. Then there are people who never see anything other than my professional face, because of power dynamics. Then there are people who never see anything other than what I want, because I don't know them and I am not the most open when it comes to some parts of my existence. So, I'm situationally authentic, and I think most of us are. If someone can't be authentic with anyone then they are on a path of self-destruction, because everyone needs someone who they can be completely authentic with. As much as people want to be self-sufficient, we cannot fight every fight on our own. So maybe the path should not be true authenticity, but rather a slow emergence of more authentic outlets.
Meet yourself where you are.
Some people, myself included, get so caught up in the end result they forget to meet themselves where they are. You lost forty pounds, but still have thirty to go. Celebrate where you are. Let that be the drive to continue. You felt uncomfortable in a dress, but you wore one. Meet yourself where you are. Acknowledge the feelings and realize you survived. Now you can keep wearing them or try a different style. Always, meet yourself where you are so you can celebrate the growth you made and the good things that are still to come. Do little things that lead to bigger sustainable changes. Authenticity comes from intentionality, as does integrity, and in order to be intentional people need to know where they are so they can create a plan to complete their journey.
Last Thoughts
True authenticity is rare. Super rare. Be authentic with yourself, first. From there be authentic with the main people in your life. Then slowly begin to build. At the end of the day if people value their voice, their choice, and they understand that they are on their own journey, in which, there is nothing to compare...then they are a healthy amount of authentic. Our quest for perfection makes being authentic hard. Embrace the beauty of imperfect growth. Maybe that is most important lesson of all. Not to be a guru of authenticity, but to be a self-discovery explorer on an unsteady incline trail of imperfect growth and you are honest about that.
The idea of 'authentic' has become a public relations buzz word. This means we live in a world where even being authentic is a marketable trait, which muddies the water since if you are manufactured then by definition you are not authentic. But that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, because as long as you feel an authentic relatability about a politician or celebrity then everyone has done their job. Al Gore, for example, was often criticized for not seeming authentic since he seemed stiff. In never occurred to anyone, that his stiffness might be his authentic self and the weird creepy guy who tongued his wife on stage was someone who was trying to 'relate' to a group of people he had absolutely no idea how to relate to. We are constantly being sold how to be authentic by truly fake and calculated people. Social media is a really good example of how 'authenticity' is being warped by this idea that people are sharing their lives. Most people are only showing parts of their lives, but that is the measure that many people compare themselves to.
So how do you know when you are authentic?
To me being truly authentic is hard to accomplish. I feel like it is this level of enlightenment that asks you to throw away all your defense mechanisms. Throw out your intimacy issues, your trust issues, your control issues, and your commitment issues. Get rid of all of it. Let people see the whole you. Every part. The part where you find it hard to get out of bed, because you are so worn down and you truly doubt you can make it through the day. The part where you admit your feelings were hurt when someone said something to you and being honest with yourself about why it hurt so much. Allowing yourself to go where you need to go, feel what you need to feel, and be brutally honest with yourself and consistent with others. Most people have baggage and with baggage comes learned behaviors that protects the part of them that was harmed before. You cannot say that person is fake, but you can definitely say that person is not open. Most people are stuck in survival mode or they have learned that being truly authentic can come with a cost. Alienation, true rejection, and can also put a target on their back for bullying as well. This is why being truly authentic in all aspects of life is hard.
Can you have integrity and find it hard to be authentic?
Integrity is an important value in my life. I value integrity and I strive to be someone of integrity. Not saying I am perfect at it, but it is what I respect in others and hope others see that within me as well. So, I naturally began to question if people could have integrity even though someone might not have reached the highest enlightened form of authenticity. I think one can, because I think the two serve different masters. Integrity is about morality and dependability. Do you do what you say? Do you act in accordance with your values? Do you hold yourself to a high moral standard? One can answer yes to all those questions and hide their vulnerabilities, hide their emotions, and guard their secrets from most of the world making them someone who is closed. Filled with integrity, but closed. Much like Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. Meanwhile, Luna Lovegood is someone who both has integrity (moral goodness) and is truly authentic as well in the face of much judgement. Authenticity is about knocking down walls and integrity is about living within a moral code. One is about self-acceptance and the other is about self-guidance. I do think though people cannot be authentic without integrity, but people can have integrity while struggling to find the open-side of authenticity.
So how do you live a more authentic life?
No idea. That is my authentic answer. There are so many blogs, self-help books, and social media personalities that are pushing cheap tricks to get people to become a more authentic person. Some of them might even work for people, but in my experience the only thing that will ever work is learning who you are completely and being honest with yourself. Examine everything. You don't have to change who you are to be authentic, but you do need to start seeing yourself in a true manner. That can be a painful process, but a freeing one as well and then from there you can start to show that to the people around you. I don't believe in shortcuts and I don't think anything can be purchased.
Is it possible to become truly authentic with everyone?
Yes. Though not many and I think that is alright. Some people are harder than others to be truly authentic with. I am definitely more authentic with certain people over others. There are a choice group of friends and family members who see all parts of me both good and bad. My students, honestly, see most of my authentic self as well though they are not privy on every detail nor have they seen me deeply emotional. However, they see my mistakes and they know my story which is that I struggled as a kid. I was not perfect and I am not perfect now, nor do I expect them to be perfect. Then there are people who never see anything other than my professional face, because of power dynamics. Then there are people who never see anything other than what I want, because I don't know them and I am not the most open when it comes to some parts of my existence. So, I'm situationally authentic, and I think most of us are. If someone can't be authentic with anyone then they are on a path of self-destruction, because everyone needs someone who they can be completely authentic with. As much as people want to be self-sufficient, we cannot fight every fight on our own. So maybe the path should not be true authenticity, but rather a slow emergence of more authentic outlets.
Meet yourself where you are.
Some people, myself included, get so caught up in the end result they forget to meet themselves where they are. You lost forty pounds, but still have thirty to go. Celebrate where you are. Let that be the drive to continue. You felt uncomfortable in a dress, but you wore one. Meet yourself where you are. Acknowledge the feelings and realize you survived. Now you can keep wearing them or try a different style. Always, meet yourself where you are so you can celebrate the growth you made and the good things that are still to come. Do little things that lead to bigger sustainable changes. Authenticity comes from intentionality, as does integrity, and in order to be intentional people need to know where they are so they can create a plan to complete their journey.
Last Thoughts
True authenticity is rare. Super rare. Be authentic with yourself, first. From there be authentic with the main people in your life. Then slowly begin to build. At the end of the day if people value their voice, their choice, and they understand that they are on their own journey, in which, there is nothing to compare...then they are a healthy amount of authentic. Our quest for perfection makes being authentic hard. Embrace the beauty of imperfect growth. Maybe that is most important lesson of all. Not to be a guru of authenticity, but to be a self-discovery explorer on an unsteady incline trail of imperfect growth and you are honest about that.
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