Control? What is it good for? Regulating, That's What

The need for control was a conversation piece with my friends and I over the weekend. My mind has been thinking about it more and more since then, because I was intrigued by the idea that I was given more percentage points for a need for control than my other friends. Most people perceive me as a rather even-keel individual who only has a handful of things she would die on the hill for. So it sparked a curiosity in me to explore it a little more. 

I think, all of us, have a need for control out of pure survival. Even zen buddhism lies in the principal that we have mastered our emotions and regulated ourselves so much that we are able to overcome desire or need. This takes a level of self-control that is hard to accomplish let alone maintain. So we all have areas of healthy control and unhealthy control. 

There are a few areas where the need to control tends to manifest. 

Control OVER others 

Control OVER themselves 

Control OVER their environment. 

People with true control issues tend to see high behaviors and reactions in all three of these areas of life. A need to control people's behaviors, feelings, and actions. A need to maintain and sustain an environment that perfectly suits their needs. A need to truly  be in control of one's self and regulate both emotions as well as self-image. Most people, healthily, so, have some care in each category cause to not have care in any of those categories would also be equally toxic. To not have any need to control others often is an invitation for others to control you or to not have the ability to set healthy boundaries. To not have any need to control yourself means to have toxic communication and self-regulatory issues. To not have any control over your environment can mean that sometimes you let yourself go and things get messy or even unhealthy. It is about finding that balance, as I am learning, that allows for the greatest contentment. 

So where do you find you have unhealthy levels of control and where do you need to increase your level of care? I'm curious. Here is an exercise example of how to explore your need to control. 

Self-Analysis 

I feel uncomfortable having control over other people. I am not comfortable telling people what to do, what to think, or even how to behave. Seems odd for a teacher, but if one examines how I teach they would understand the class is run by someone who would rather dialogue than direct. Obviously there are areas of safety that a directive is necessary, overtime I have developed a classroom management style that works for me. Most of the time though my advice and my teaching is guided by questions I ask rather than things I say. I also do not default to giving advice unless I know the person prefers it, because I do not like to assume I know better about someone else's life even if I might feel I might. People need to make their own mistakes, explore their own lives, and I have a hard time seeing the need or desire to want to intervene unless under extreme circumstances. I have many tense conversations with myself about when the right time to step-in might be. I would rate myself a 40% need to control in this category. People should be their own people. 

I feel least concerned with my environment. Obviously I have learned over the years that a messy house is problematic and a messy desk leads to constantly losing items, but it personally does not bother me the way it bothers other people. A crooked painting is not a thing I notice and if I do I am more likely going to put it on the bottom of my priorities list. Same with my desk at work, I am aware it looks like a tornado, but I am unlikely to fix it until it gets in the way of me doing an important task. I do not feel anxiety if things are out of place, but might intellectually recognize it would make sense if I do put it somewhere obvious that way I do not have to look for things. It is not something I put too much thought about. I would rate myself at 30% need to control this category.  Mainly because I recognize it is important to function. 

I feel most concerned to regulate and control myself. Not to unhealthy levels. But when you deal with a self-regulating issue you learn coping strategies and those coping strategies are meant to teach you to control yourself. Experience also teaches you lessons about what happens when you do not set up boundaries for yourself as well. I am, indeed, incredibly protective of myself, my belongings, my values, and my objective. I have a clear sense of self and purpose... sometimes I fear slowing it down or changing things up will make me lose sight of those things. I have seen good people fall victim to poor self-regulation many times. Driven people who seemed to be on a better trajectory than myself. I never want to be derailed from my purpose which is to explore, create, dialogue, and be the best version of myself. I hold onto the coping strategies that I was taught by my teachers and the lessons I have learned from the worst case-scenarios. I use to be, about three years ago, 100% in this category. Feelings, thoughts, and everything was closed to the world out of a desperate need for survival. Now I think I am at a 70%. 

 

70+30+40 = 120/3 = 47% need to control.   

I could probably care more about my environment and even care more about being a bit more bossy to others as well. Those might be areas where I need to learn more control even slightly. My need to control myself is something I am slowly chipping away at. There are some really good things that I do in terms of being a self-disciplined individual, but I also know that sometimes I can come across as closed off or tense when I feel outside of my self-concept which is a loudly defined one. 

Reserve Judgement 

I think this exercise taught me a couple of things. First, we cannot judge other people's percentages since we do not know the context for many of the things they do. We can observe behaviors, but those behaviors might be a healthy sign of control rather than an anxious feeling or a NEED for control. Most of the time we are projecting onto others because we think to ourselves 'well... I would not care about that...'  Control is not a comparison point from one person to the next it should be a reflection about one's self in these three categories. Because 'laid-back' sorts might not understand that they might seem as if they do not have control, but their 'laid-back'-ness might be a manifestation of wanting to maintain a happy environment amongst louder personalities. This is why I think it has to be a solo-conversation to really see ourselves holistically rather than through a social prism.

The concept of control is just as complex as the humans who might need to acquire more or loosen the grip a little. I also feel it is important to acknowledge these percentages are also fluid depending on the context of the situation. As I leave my territory into an unknown space the need to control some aspects of my environment increases out of survival I need to have a system to make sure I do not forget my phone or look for an extra exit in case of a fire. So our control coping mechanisms might be loudest in an unknown space. Like, a first date would be another example. So think overall rather extremes when thinking about your percentages. 

I do think having some level of control is important in all categories, but when our desire for control gets in the way of living then we know that we might have crossed that line. I would also argue the same for the opposite as well. A lack of desire to control at all is also a sign of something that is worth exploring. Balance is key even if it might be elusive.