Dark and Light: Reminders for Balance

The truth is that no matter how much we grow as human-beings we can easily get derailed by the reminders of our past vulnerabilities. 

Restless Energy 

I have written extensively about my experiences at school. The feeling of being judged by teachers, peers, and systems. Some of those judgements came from a toxic self-image perceiving others as judgmental  and some of it was legit judgement. These feelings led me to feel like I needed to prove something to the people around me. In my youth, this feeling was portrayed by a demeanor of wanting to seem like I was over-confident and did not care about the things that the people around me cared about. As a young adult, it manifested in obsessive perfectionism about grades. Even today as thirty-something sometimes I get a case of imposter syndrome. This irrational fear that I am pretending really well and eventually people are going to figure out that I am just a resource kid who really does not deserve the things that I have earned. Over the years, I have been trying to get rid of the restless energy as when it goes unchecked it can make me quite obsessive and unhealthy, This is SO not a good thing even though I do notice that the world rewards me when I am in those kinds of moods. Another sign that things need to change in our society. We make it easy to choose the unhealthy path more times than not. 

This line of thinking made me compare this restless energy to Alexander Hamilton. Mostly because I just saw the musical, so it is stuck on my brain. I feel like most people who feel they had to work harder than others to get nice things all have this inside of them. This feeling if they stop, they will lose it all, or that if they slow down for one moment others will surpass them. All of a sudden they become irrelevant. Nowadays, it is not just those who struggle who have this feeling it is also people who have 4.0s who share this unsatisfied feeling of never being good enough. Never being done. Society feeds this and as we can see in 'Hamilton' it led him to make some decisions that were not so great and it even infected his counter-part Aaron Burr too. The 'hardworking' individual might not be hardworking, but instead they hold a great deal of anxiety about not being good enough or not having enough. Might stem from anxiety rather than duty. Something I am contemplating more and more. 

Solved, But Not Really

That being said, I thought that I was in the clear and these feelings were settled, but then something happened recently that has brought back many of these feelings. It was a comment about mental health and it was filled with complete judgment and ignorance. It made me feel defensive for myself and everyone who is a part of a group that is deeply judged. As adults, we forget how much what we think matters to kids. Even the kids who roll their eyes and treat adults badly. Those are symptoms of a larger toxic self-image that was presented to them and then reinforced by words spoken by the people around them. Even if people only think it. 

I have absolutely no power to fix any of the situations that are bothering me at the moment. Instead of relying on my good-mindful practices I fell back to old patterns. Eating unhealthy, not exercising, not journaling, and letting other self-care activities go unpracticed as my inner-world got filled with 'dark' words rather than 'light' words. Words that disempower rather than empower. Even when a person feels 100% mentally better... the reality is that we are never fully done understanding ourselves and our relationship with the parts of ourselves that never truly heal. (May have stolen that last line from George R.R. Martin or Andy Grammer.) 

Gratitude 

Thankfully, I am surrounded by wonderful people. My road map back to a better state of mind was strange. Mostly it was comments from individuals who intuitively knew I needed something. Someone gave praise for situation that I was questioning.  Others offered support, even if people do not take someone up on it, just the offer of help helps. An older friend gave me some truth that I treasure reminding me that I am scrappy and a fighter, but that I should probably learn to not feel the need to fight every battle. I have already proven myself. I have nothing to prove. Still an incredibly hard concept to accept. I'm working on it. 

Mindfulness Activity: Dark Words, Light Words, Action. 

I did this activity that helped me sort this all out in my mind. If you are in a mental rut this might do the trick. 

1) Take a 20 minute walk alone, listening to music. OR Take a 20 minute silent pause by yourself. 

            Why?: You need to get your mind in the headspace to be open. A quiet walk or a quiet
            moment on your own can provide that opportunity to look within. 

2) Get out a sheet of paper. Draw a line in the middle so there are two halves.  

3) On the top half write down as many negative and dark words you can think of. 
             Why?: Need to get the negative words out. 

4) On the bottom half write down as many positive and light words you can think of. 
             Why?: Need those power words to hang onto. 

5) See if there any connections between the two half. Think about your present. Figure out if the dark has overtaken the light. 
             Why? Most of these words are opposite. Can provide a map to getting out of a funk. 

6) On the back of your paper. Write an action item you are going to do to put a little light in your life. 
              Why? Plans empower.