Being Nice vs. Being Honest
Introduction
Human beings are the masters of paradoxes. Our entire existence surrounds the most universal one of life and death. Other paradoxes that are apparent in history involve the issues of freedom vs. security, unity vs. individuality, personal wealth vs. collective wealth, tradition vs. innovation, and there are so many others yet to be named. It is this pull that lives within humans that ask the question which side do I value more or how do I maintain a perfect balance of the two. Depending on the culture and the individual the answer to that question might look different.
There is one paradox in particular that I have been thinking about lately. The paradox of kindness vs. honesty. This one bothers me to no end, because to me it is a paradox that exists due to toxic definitions of kindness and honesty. To be honest should be kind, and to be kind should be honest. So my plan is to examine both sides of these words to show how the toxic side forces a choice between the two, but that the healthy version of these values marry perfectly. Meaning....we need to stop forcing the choice and instead work on becoming less toxic.
Part 1: Kindness
Toxic Definition & Manifestation of Kindness
Many people view kindness as a weakness. I feel this characterization of kindness comes from the prevalent toxic manifestation of what it means to be kind. Many times this type of kindness can come across as soft or as being a pushover. This type of kind person puts the needs of others above themselves, they have a hard time saying 'no', and they are always constantly debating on whether or not they should talk to people about their harm or excuse it away since they understand why the person did what they did. Depending on how toxic the individual is these inner feelings can lead to resentment, 'nice guy syndrome', going postal, or the most common passive aggressive actions. Being this kind of kind ruins the relationship they have with themselves and can with time ruin relationships. Not to mention they are teaching the people around them really bad habits and never asking them to get better by the lack of honest communication. People might like themselves when they are around toxic kind people, but that feeling does not usually transfer over to the toxic nice person. Which can create thoughts in the toxic nice person that they are 'victims' in a world of 'predators' who do not understand their kind heart. This behavior usually stems from a desire to be loved and a fear of abandonment. "If we are nice enough then maybe people will stay and people will care about me." If it is extremely toxic then it would be a desire to be needed. Does that really seem all that kind to you? Or that healthy?
True Kindness
A truly kind person is someone who is thoughtful, mindful, and intentional about the way they come across to other people. This is someone who does not put their ego above everything, but makes sure they have clear boundaries and assertively voice when what they value is being disrespected. Kind people have skills to help maintain healthy relationships which include emotional intelligence, assertive communication, and being able to read the room. These people ask clarifying questions to help people and help relationships. These individuals approach life with openness, curiosity, and a lack of judgement making them people who other people feel good to be around. In fact, these people make people feel safe and understood as well as challenged. Kind means a person understands that certain behaviors are caused by a lot of different internal battles and there is no need to react like a bulldog to every little thing. Yet, this person also understands when it is something that is important then it is not something that can be excused away especially if not speaking will harm the relationship itself. The mantra of a truly kind person is: " I do not need to sacrifice myself to be kind. Kindness by definition is an energy that lifts everyone including me rather than exhausting myself to make other people happy all the time."
Part 2: Honesty
Toxic Definition & Manifestation of Kindness
Many people see honesty as a strength. Some people even have shirts that showcase this and most empowerment songs speak to a rather unhealthy yet satisfying form of honesty. You might have heard people say things like, "I'm honest. Blunt. Direct. I don't hold hands. I always speak my opinion and I always stand up for myself. I'm tough try to mess with me." The truth is that most of those personas are exactly that, a persona, this type of honesty is actually a toxic defense mechanism. Yet, when you talk to these individuals they will say it is what needs to be done to survive in the world. Again, 'survive' speaks to a defense mechanism you are overreacting, because of a trauma or historical trauma that happened that has become part of one's identity. Many of the toxic honest people perceive themselves as being strong people, but really their behaviors will lead to turbulent relationships with others and self. The number one consequence of this manifestation of honesty is that people do not feel emotionally safe around you and will perceive one's honesty as a personal attack rather than helpful. People might close up because every mistake is a chance for ridicule or an opportunity for the toxic honest person to insert their expertise. These people might have a hard time being collaborators or working in teams, because of the way they come across. Usually this display is hiding a fear of intimacy or vulnerability. These people might even be the toxic kind people in recovery who have not found the right balance or have been taught to be loud after being silenced for so long. This state is still toxic and it is not quite honest either, because the honesty is not coming from a place of care but instead a place of righteousness. Nor are these people being honest about the things they don't know or are unsure about. Why? Usually these people are in survival mode when they are in groups due to past experiences or feeling the need to be the loudest person in the room for various reasons.
True Honesty
True honest behavior is kind. Strange how that happened. It is a simple presentation of one's thoughts, feelings, and intentions that true honest people make known from the start. These people voice their concerns when they are hurt, upset, or to address perceived problems in a significant relationship. Communication style is assertive not aggressive or passive-aggressive. These people use their emotional intelligence to decide what is worth voice and what is worth contemplating about as a temporary impulsive feeling. Honesty is used not to make one more important than others, but instead to seek clarity, understanding, maintain integrity, and to restore or preserve working relationships. Or to set a hard boundary against a toxic person who should not be in their lives at this very moment. The biggest difference between toxic honesty and true honesty is the intention and the voicing of that intention. "I want to speak to you because I really do not want this to happen again. I want this friendship to be a safe space." The intention is clear. "When you did this it made me feel ........ " The intention is unclear therefore it can be interpreted however the receiver wants or feels the need to take it. Intention is everything. If you don't voice then people will fill in the blank for you... and trust me it won't be what you wanted.
Conclusion
I think that healthy kind and healthy honesty can exist together. In fact, they were always meant to exist together. Due to perceptions of certain words and emotional projections we always feel we have to sacrifice being nice for being honest or vice versa. Truth is, in order to have healthy relationships, you need to know yourself and why things bother you. Then you need to honestly communicate those findings to the people who are around you.
It is hard to communicate when you are not being reflective. I think myself and everyone need to pause more to see if we are acting out of toxic defense-mechanisms or if we are truly being kind or honest. It does matter. Am I on the healthy sides of both of those words? No, not every time. I am though starting to reflect on how to remove myself completely from the toxic side to the true side, but I am only human. I am bound to make mistakes.
Human beings are the masters of paradoxes. Our entire existence surrounds the most universal one of life and death. Other paradoxes that are apparent in history involve the issues of freedom vs. security, unity vs. individuality, personal wealth vs. collective wealth, tradition vs. innovation, and there are so many others yet to be named. It is this pull that lives within humans that ask the question which side do I value more or how do I maintain a perfect balance of the two. Depending on the culture and the individual the answer to that question might look different.
There is one paradox in particular that I have been thinking about lately. The paradox of kindness vs. honesty. This one bothers me to no end, because to me it is a paradox that exists due to toxic definitions of kindness and honesty. To be honest should be kind, and to be kind should be honest. So my plan is to examine both sides of these words to show how the toxic side forces a choice between the two, but that the healthy version of these values marry perfectly. Meaning....we need to stop forcing the choice and instead work on becoming less toxic.
Part 1: Kindness
Toxic Definition & Manifestation of Kindness
Many people view kindness as a weakness. I feel this characterization of kindness comes from the prevalent toxic manifestation of what it means to be kind. Many times this type of kindness can come across as soft or as being a pushover. This type of kind person puts the needs of others above themselves, they have a hard time saying 'no', and they are always constantly debating on whether or not they should talk to people about their harm or excuse it away since they understand why the person did what they did. Depending on how toxic the individual is these inner feelings can lead to resentment, 'nice guy syndrome', going postal, or the most common passive aggressive actions. Being this kind of kind ruins the relationship they have with themselves and can with time ruin relationships. Not to mention they are teaching the people around them really bad habits and never asking them to get better by the lack of honest communication. People might like themselves when they are around toxic kind people, but that feeling does not usually transfer over to the toxic nice person. Which can create thoughts in the toxic nice person that they are 'victims' in a world of 'predators' who do not understand their kind heart. This behavior usually stems from a desire to be loved and a fear of abandonment. "If we are nice enough then maybe people will stay and people will care about me." If it is extremely toxic then it would be a desire to be needed. Does that really seem all that kind to you? Or that healthy?
True Kindness
A truly kind person is someone who is thoughtful, mindful, and intentional about the way they come across to other people. This is someone who does not put their ego above everything, but makes sure they have clear boundaries and assertively voice when what they value is being disrespected. Kind people have skills to help maintain healthy relationships which include emotional intelligence, assertive communication, and being able to read the room. These people ask clarifying questions to help people and help relationships. These individuals approach life with openness, curiosity, and a lack of judgement making them people who other people feel good to be around. In fact, these people make people feel safe and understood as well as challenged. Kind means a person understands that certain behaviors are caused by a lot of different internal battles and there is no need to react like a bulldog to every little thing. Yet, this person also understands when it is something that is important then it is not something that can be excused away especially if not speaking will harm the relationship itself. The mantra of a truly kind person is: " I do not need to sacrifice myself to be kind. Kindness by definition is an energy that lifts everyone including me rather than exhausting myself to make other people happy all the time."
Part 2: Honesty
Toxic Definition & Manifestation of Kindness
Many people see honesty as a strength. Some people even have shirts that showcase this and most empowerment songs speak to a rather unhealthy yet satisfying form of honesty. You might have heard people say things like, "I'm honest. Blunt. Direct. I don't hold hands. I always speak my opinion and I always stand up for myself. I'm tough try to mess with me." The truth is that most of those personas are exactly that, a persona, this type of honesty is actually a toxic defense mechanism. Yet, when you talk to these individuals they will say it is what needs to be done to survive in the world. Again, 'survive' speaks to a defense mechanism you are overreacting, because of a trauma or historical trauma that happened that has become part of one's identity. Many of the toxic honest people perceive themselves as being strong people, but really their behaviors will lead to turbulent relationships with others and self. The number one consequence of this manifestation of honesty is that people do not feel emotionally safe around you and will perceive one's honesty as a personal attack rather than helpful. People might close up because every mistake is a chance for ridicule or an opportunity for the toxic honest person to insert their expertise. These people might have a hard time being collaborators or working in teams, because of the way they come across. Usually this display is hiding a fear of intimacy or vulnerability. These people might even be the toxic kind people in recovery who have not found the right balance or have been taught to be loud after being silenced for so long. This state is still toxic and it is not quite honest either, because the honesty is not coming from a place of care but instead a place of righteousness. Nor are these people being honest about the things they don't know or are unsure about. Why? Usually these people are in survival mode when they are in groups due to past experiences or feeling the need to be the loudest person in the room for various reasons.
True Honesty
True honest behavior is kind. Strange how that happened. It is a simple presentation of one's thoughts, feelings, and intentions that true honest people make known from the start. These people voice their concerns when they are hurt, upset, or to address perceived problems in a significant relationship. Communication style is assertive not aggressive or passive-aggressive. These people use their emotional intelligence to decide what is worth voice and what is worth contemplating about as a temporary impulsive feeling. Honesty is used not to make one more important than others, but instead to seek clarity, understanding, maintain integrity, and to restore or preserve working relationships. Or to set a hard boundary against a toxic person who should not be in their lives at this very moment. The biggest difference between toxic honesty and true honesty is the intention and the voicing of that intention. "I want to speak to you because I really do not want this to happen again. I want this friendship to be a safe space." The intention is clear. "When you did this it made me feel ........ " The intention is unclear therefore it can be interpreted however the receiver wants or feels the need to take it. Intention is everything. If you don't voice then people will fill in the blank for you... and trust me it won't be what you wanted.
Conclusion
I think that healthy kind and healthy honesty can exist together. In fact, they were always meant to exist together. Due to perceptions of certain words and emotional projections we always feel we have to sacrifice being nice for being honest or vice versa. Truth is, in order to have healthy relationships, you need to know yourself and why things bother you. Then you need to honestly communicate those findings to the people who are around you.
It is hard to communicate when you are not being reflective. I think myself and everyone need to pause more to see if we are acting out of toxic defense-mechanisms or if we are truly being kind or honest. It does matter. Am I on the healthy sides of both of those words? No, not every time. I am though starting to reflect on how to remove myself completely from the toxic side to the true side, but I am only human. I am bound to make mistakes.
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