Reflective Lessons: August the Month of Opposites.

This is really a reflection of some strange torn feelings that August has brought into my mind, but before I get to that I feel it is necessary to understand how I got to these reflections. So I will start with bullet-journaling. I contribute my success for weight loss and all around stronger mental health to keeping up with Bullet Journaling. This small part of my daily life carved time for reflection and organization. 

Organization 

• Single place to put down training plans and to-do lists. 
• Single place to put down all my meetings, tasks, and events. 
• Provides a space to chunk out big tasks so that I am successful with the goals I set for myself. 

The most important part of the Bullet Journal process though was the built-in reflection piece. Organization is great in that tasks get complete, I don't lose sight of the small things when stressed, and I make sure the important things get done first. Sometimes though tasks just become tasks. Part of the minute rat race that life sometimes becomes when you are busy. The reflection piece is what kept me motivated and got me back to where I was before I started to let myself go a bit. 

Reflection Lessons 

• I learned that the first thing I do when I am stressed is let my diet go. I get take out more often. I am more likely to eat chocolate or grab a bag of chip whether I need it or not.  
• Solution: Keep track of this behavior. Have honest conversations. Confront what is bothering me instead of going for the easy fixes of grabbing a candy bar. 
• My lack of sleep is either tied to positive energy that I don't want to let go of or negative energy that I just cannot find a solution to. My mind has hard time turning off when it is stimulated. 
• Solution: Talking things out with my friends. Journaling. Olly Sleep gummies. Nightly meditation.  
• Every month I keep track of my moods and my habits which paints a picture of my mental state of the month. 
• Solution: Reflect and build in habits to look at for the next month to address some of the things I went through. 
• Realized I missed having conversations with people and meeting new people. 
• Solution: Restarted my podcasting and blogging. I have never been more thrilled to be back to it. I thrive on this kind of thinking and gives me a wonderful creative outlet outside of work to play around with. 
• Reminded myself of why I went into teaching 
• Solution: Change all aspects of my approach to work to contribute to that why. Ignore or drop out of things that directly get in the way of it. 
• Reminded me that service is an extra-curricular not just a career
• Solution: Volunteer and get back involved like I was when I was younger. Hopefully without the whole getting jaded thing. 

I would not have come to these conclusions if I did not have a place to track what I did and the emotions that came with it. Life is hectic and if we do not stop to check in with ourselves we will hit a wall and it will feel impossible to fix. This is why there is no turning back for me. I'm a bullet-journalist for life. 

August 2019 - The Month of Opposites

This month was hard for me. Part of why it was hard for me was that I felt like I was never more motivated and at the same time never felt more powerless at the same time. So, here I am, last day of the month closing things up and getting ready for September. I look at my mood tracker to see that most of the month I felt motivated and low energy. I have a visual representation of what I felt throughout the entire month. I would be excited to create a new curriculum then feel pressure to go back to the easy way of it. I would feel excited about the radio show then feel like I had too many things to get done. I would feel empowered as a teacher due to a positive interaction with a student then powerless to protect them from something that was happening. I would feel proud followed by a deep disappointment. 

August was a strange month. I have never felt more myself and yet not satisfied at the same time. Mainly because I was confusing what I could control with what I couldn't. I see that now. 

I can only focus on how I react to things. In the face of negative action, I should do what my instinct was which is be that positive person that says 'hi' to everyone. In the face of systems built to break certain people, I can be the person who opens doors. In the reality of everyone has to make decisions for themselves and live with the consequences, I can teach important skills... model good behaviors... and speak to second chances. 

This month was a feeling of being torn in half between the attraction of feeling jaded and being the person I want to be. It's nice to know that even with everything... I am still the person giving high-fives and giving out candy at the front of the school with my friends-colleagues modeling to the students that everyone does belong and that you should have friends who support that idea instead of encourage you to give into the negative parts of our society. 

So.... in the end be the person you want to be and remind yourself of what you value. Even in stressful times you should never forget them.  

Find a way, like I did, to reflect in genuine ways so that you do not get sucked in by the easy feelings of toxic behaviors and thoughts. Take care of yourself.