Silence is My Friend
I was speaking with a friend the other day about various topics, but something was brought to my attention that I cannot seem to shake. So much of me has changed over the last couple of years that I think that I am not even aware of all of them.
The obvious changes are that I use to go to sleep at two in the morning and sleep in until eleven if I had no obligations. Now I wake up between four forty-five and sleeping in is now six thirty in the morning. I am usually asleep around ten thirty or earlier sometimes. Changing from a night owl insomniac to an early bird is probably one of the most baffling changes. Thought it would be impossible. Then of course my weight and my health has changed quite a bit. Now being without exercise seems like a huge inconvenience rather than this thing I have to do that I despise. All good changes that I was aware of and most people around me were as well.
Now for the one that I just discovered. I use to hate silence. As soon as I entered my room or my apartment I would put on show or some music. Even if I was reading, because when it was eerily quiet it made me anxious. I just felt strange. At night I would put on a show that I knew by heart, something like Friends, and put it on as I fell asleep. If I woke up in the middle of the night I would put it on again and fall back to sleep. It was something that I found comforting and I was convinced it helped me fall asleep, but I definitely know that any sleep I got was not the best.
Well, the thing is that I stopped doing all those things. I just don't do it anymore. It wasn't a conscious choice or something that I was working on it. I just stopped. I can't even begin to fathom or estimate when I stopped. It was just a thing about me and then it was not a thing about me. I still love music and television/movies. But now I do it with purpose... like listening to music to make the mundane fun or just to listen to music. Or watching a show or a movie to actually watch a show or a movie. Now, though, there are built in times in my day that are quiet. It is quiet when I write, when I read, when I fall asleep, and sometimes I just sit quietly looking out into the distance. I just let myself be quiet.
I think whatever it was that made the silences uncomfortable was released by the other things I was doing in my life. I have always had a noisy mind filled with fast thoughts. Maybe I have accidentally stumbled on the way to deal with those thoughts or maybe I dealt with the negative in my life that way my thoughts never get too anxious. I think we all do things that we have no idea are tied to unhealthy parts of ourselves and maybe the weight of those behaviors continue to go unknown until someone points it out.
Silence use to be the enemy now it seems to be something I carve out to have in my day. The thoughts in my head are more curious in nature rather than negative. When my thoughts do get negative it seems like I have options on how to deal with it... I mean... I can go to the gym, I can write about it, I can take a bath, I can take a hike, or I can think out loud about the things in my head to my friends.
It feels freeing. Suppose I should lay in my bed in silence and get some sleep. I wonder how much more has changed that I am still unaware of. I wonder if any of you have experienced this kind of realization? I'm curious.
The obvious changes are that I use to go to sleep at two in the morning and sleep in until eleven if I had no obligations. Now I wake up between four forty-five and sleeping in is now six thirty in the morning. I am usually asleep around ten thirty or earlier sometimes. Changing from a night owl insomniac to an early bird is probably one of the most baffling changes. Thought it would be impossible. Then of course my weight and my health has changed quite a bit. Now being without exercise seems like a huge inconvenience rather than this thing I have to do that I despise. All good changes that I was aware of and most people around me were as well.
Now for the one that I just discovered. I use to hate silence. As soon as I entered my room or my apartment I would put on show or some music. Even if I was reading, because when it was eerily quiet it made me anxious. I just felt strange. At night I would put on a show that I knew by heart, something like Friends, and put it on as I fell asleep. If I woke up in the middle of the night I would put it on again and fall back to sleep. It was something that I found comforting and I was convinced it helped me fall asleep, but I definitely know that any sleep I got was not the best.
Well, the thing is that I stopped doing all those things. I just don't do it anymore. It wasn't a conscious choice or something that I was working on it. I just stopped. I can't even begin to fathom or estimate when I stopped. It was just a thing about me and then it was not a thing about me. I still love music and television/movies. But now I do it with purpose... like listening to music to make the mundane fun or just to listen to music. Or watching a show or a movie to actually watch a show or a movie. Now, though, there are built in times in my day that are quiet. It is quiet when I write, when I read, when I fall asleep, and sometimes I just sit quietly looking out into the distance. I just let myself be quiet.
I think whatever it was that made the silences uncomfortable was released by the other things I was doing in my life. I have always had a noisy mind filled with fast thoughts. Maybe I have accidentally stumbled on the way to deal with those thoughts or maybe I dealt with the negative in my life that way my thoughts never get too anxious. I think we all do things that we have no idea are tied to unhealthy parts of ourselves and maybe the weight of those behaviors continue to go unknown until someone points it out.
Silence use to be the enemy now it seems to be something I carve out to have in my day. The thoughts in my head are more curious in nature rather than negative. When my thoughts do get negative it seems like I have options on how to deal with it... I mean... I can go to the gym, I can write about it, I can take a bath, I can take a hike, or I can think out loud about the things in my head to my friends.
It feels freeing. Suppose I should lay in my bed in silence and get some sleep. I wonder how much more has changed that I am still unaware of. I wonder if any of you have experienced this kind of realization? I'm curious.
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