Just Press Play

The last couple weeks I have been obsessed with Paolo Nutini, a Scottish singer/songwriter, who sings soulful and bluesy songs. He is fantastic and I truly recommend that you look into him if you have not heard of him before. The man got semi-American radio airplay for a little while with his song called 'New Shoes'. I am only telling you this for context.

Another one of his songs is called 'Rewind,' which is a song of regret and wishing you could go back to a certain point in your life. Get some more time or maybe even do something differently. This song triggered a whole bunch of thoughts that I have been writing about for a few days now. Mainly about how each command of the remote or radio plays a big part in labeling our lives. I have rewind years, fast forward years, pause years, and most recently play years. Each command is actually a feeling that you have about your current state. 

As a teenager I would say that I was in the fast forward phase of my life. I felt stuck. I felt powerless. I thought that the future held more promise than my present. The thoughts in my head were about how things would be different when I move away, make new friends, or could determine my own destiny more. In my head, I was a Radio DJ and I was living the life. That was what I wanted. Everything else was a nuisance and I really did not understand why the adults in my life were trying to direct me. Now this pure stubbornness ended up in my favor, but sometimes when you are stuck in fast forward you miss the lessons you could learn in the moment or even take certain things for granted. I mean I lived in a beautiful area, with supportive parents, and for the most part could handle the bullshit with the utmost talent. In my head though...just needed to fast forward through all this so I could actually start living. Even though I should have done just that. Lived. 

During my time in AmeriCorps I was definitely in the pause phase. I was testing myself, taking risks, making wonderful friends, going on adventures, and really stretching myself to points that I could not imagine. I kept thinking to myself that I wanted life to stay like this. Just ride this through. This was a good feeling and I never wanted to lose it. At the end of my AmeriCorps career I felt a bit lost and scared, because I thought by moving on that I would never feel this way again. I wanted it to linger. Truth is my AmeriCorps years were preparing me for something, it was always meant to be a transition, but when you feel like you are just starting understand your place in the world sometimes you put too much credit on the circumstances rather than your own growth. I did the growing. AmeriCorps just provided me opportunities. I seized them. 

After my AmeriCorps time, I would say that I was most definitely in the rewind state, wanting to go back to Washington State. Wanting to go back to my teenage years which I wanted to fast forward from. I was stressed, doing insane things, taking on more than I should have, and narrow focused on my career. The issue is when you make your whole life about something then you usually feel less fulfilled. Your life can't be 100% about work, 100% about your kids, 100% about your significant other, 100% about escape, because when it ends or when you really start to think about it you'll realize that there are parts of yourself you neglected. You need to prioritize. Work is still my majority, because I inherited my dad's work ethic. But the other parts of me are not being ignored. 

Currently I feel like I am play. I am enjoying what I am doing, figuring things out, and trust in the process and myself more than ever. Suppose I am just content to see things play out as they should. I suppose I might have accepted that the other buttons seem great in theory, but never happen and even if they did you would just interrupt the flow of the movie. Best to just watch it all the way through as it should, so you don't miss the small moments of brilliance and the lessons in the low points. 

Just press play. Trust it.