Needs

The last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about needs. Everyone has them. These are things that we require in order to feel normal or to feel healthy within ourselves. Some people have external needs and others have internal needs.

Take me for example. There are really two needs I have in order to feel healthy and to feel secure in any kind of relationship.

First Need: I need to know that people believe in me.  I want the people I care about to believe in my intelligence, believe in my ability to problem solve, believe in my ability to grow, and maintain the  belief that I am not some unchangeable box of a person who can never progress. I want people who help me believe that I have no limits, because I overthink and worry that people doubt my abilities. I have never been a fan of people telling me who I am, what I should want, what I need to do, or telling me that I can't do something. Voicing concerns, slowing down my thought process, and being honest about any challenges I have to face is always welcome, but always end it with the idea that I can do it. I am very aware of my own weaknesses and sometimes I live in that space, so when people live there as well and constantly point it out... well I tend to shut down. I feel choked and suffocated. I need to know that in my life and who I am can be controlled by own actions. I need to know that I can achieve my goals and I want people around me that remind me of it as well. I want a life without any limitations. No rules. Everything can be possible. That is where I am most fit where I feel most happy. 

Second Need: Space and choice. I need to be given choices and space when needed. Once I feel micromanaged or bossed around, my mood drops dramatically, because I hate to feel boxed in. I need to know that I am going to be provided choices and that at the end of the day I get to decide things. I also need time to process my feelings and my thoughts in order for me to understand them. So in times of high-stress I need more time alone to figure things out. I need someone who can understand that and not take it personally, because ultimately I am going to be a better human being after a night alone rather than being forced into conversation. Nothing ever good comes from it. Trust me on this.  I just feel more chaos and loudness in my head. I need that extra space to de-clutter, prioritize, and put meaning to what I am experiencing.

So what do you do when what you need is the exact opposite of what your friend or significant other needs? Take my mother for example she is like me in many ways. We both need processing time to figure ourselves out when we are stressed. She turns to reading or watching romantic comedies to try to destress. My father loves to clean and might want to have a conversation with my mom about things. Both are reasonable responses to life, but definitely the opposite of one another. Mom needs a break and dad needs to keep busy. Nothing is wrong if one of them is not stressed, but if they are both stressed things need to be figured out. It gets harder.

Then again, maybe our needs come from something that needs to be corrected? Or maybe through communication and compromise we can figure it all out.

I have a hard time with this one. I'm seeing it all over the place though. Everyone has needs. Nothing wrong with communicating them, but navigating through them that is the hard part.