Ghosts
This post might be inspired by Buzzfeed Unsolved or by my Nocturnal Journal which asked me this morning to think of things that still haunt me. We all have ghosts that haunt us or baggage that we carry. Those negative things define us more than I think we are conscious of. All the little things and the big things add up to be the fears we hold, the caution we exercise, and even the vulnerabilities we wish to hide from people. I have not met a single soul that does not have something lurking.
I definitely have my ghosts and I am not going to flesh it out online. That is far too personal. But I do, especially about some of the things I did when I was younger, because I was trying to be cool. Or not acknowledging toxic situations, because I was scared of losing friends. Or not saying I cared for someone deeply, because I was scared of getting hurt. All those 'what if' situations that not only cross your mind, but they also change the trajectory of your life sometimes.
I am reading Eleanor Roosevelt and she has a whole chapter dedicated to conquering fears. Really, in my opinion, our ghosts are the consequences of our fears. They are the losses, the mistakes, the pain, the missed opportunities, and even the trauma that follows us around. These ghosts exist in our mind, because we do not want history to repeat itself. Really ghosts should be lessons to do better and get better, but we sometimes use our ghosts as a road block to really break into the world in the way we want. Why? Because everything worth having comes with risks and with risks comes more potential ghosts. It creates a cycle.
Eleanor Roosevelt writes about how risk taking and facing fears is the only way to grow. I agree. The times that I have grown as a person are the times when I am in competition, I am uncomfortable, or I had to face something challenging. I have never ever learned anything by hanging around like-minded people in a place of comfort. I do argue though that it is easier to take risks when you feel safe. But sometimes you cannot build safety unless you take a risk. Crazy, right?
Then there is the fear of doing well. I saw this in myself when I was younger and I have to say I see it in my students all the time. I have a hard time with it, because I know what needs to be done for students to get to where they need to. But internally they are making choices that actually harm themselves in the long run, but make them feel safe in the short run. Being afraid to put yourself out there to succeed, because maybe if you do well then it might be a fluke which means more expectations. Or that you might not be able to duplicate it or even feel like a poser like you got lucky, but now everyone is looking at you to perform again. I see this all the time. This kind of fear literally takes options from you, because eventually it closes doors. Though there is always a door to open. You just get less choice. And you have to take a risk to even open the last door.
"This particular kind of fear is impoverishing because such a person never dares to find out how much he is really capable of doing." - Eleanor Roosevelt.
Then you have fears that are due to the unknown or lack of control. Point is, we need to have conversations with ourselves about what we fear, so that we do not let it control us when we feel out of control. Life is better and you reap more rewards when you are slightly uncomfortable. Feeling safe or running away from ghosts too much can lead you to even more unhappiness then people realize.
I know I have definitely learned this lesson and it is by no means easy. I am going to continue to fuck up, but as long as I keep going that is all that matters. With that, I leave you with some words from Eleanor.
"Do the things that interest you and do them with all your heart. Don't be concerned about whether people are watching you or criticizing you. The changes are that they aren't paying any attention to you. It's your attention to yourself that is so stultifying. But you have to disregard yourself as completely as possible. If you fail the first time then you just have to try harder the second time."
I definitely have my ghosts and I am not going to flesh it out online. That is far too personal. But I do, especially about some of the things I did when I was younger, because I was trying to be cool. Or not acknowledging toxic situations, because I was scared of losing friends. Or not saying I cared for someone deeply, because I was scared of getting hurt. All those 'what if' situations that not only cross your mind, but they also change the trajectory of your life sometimes.
I am reading Eleanor Roosevelt and she has a whole chapter dedicated to conquering fears. Really, in my opinion, our ghosts are the consequences of our fears. They are the losses, the mistakes, the pain, the missed opportunities, and even the trauma that follows us around. These ghosts exist in our mind, because we do not want history to repeat itself. Really ghosts should be lessons to do better and get better, but we sometimes use our ghosts as a road block to really break into the world in the way we want. Why? Because everything worth having comes with risks and with risks comes more potential ghosts. It creates a cycle.
Eleanor Roosevelt writes about how risk taking and facing fears is the only way to grow. I agree. The times that I have grown as a person are the times when I am in competition, I am uncomfortable, or I had to face something challenging. I have never ever learned anything by hanging around like-minded people in a place of comfort. I do argue though that it is easier to take risks when you feel safe. But sometimes you cannot build safety unless you take a risk. Crazy, right?
Then there is the fear of doing well. I saw this in myself when I was younger and I have to say I see it in my students all the time. I have a hard time with it, because I know what needs to be done for students to get to where they need to. But internally they are making choices that actually harm themselves in the long run, but make them feel safe in the short run. Being afraid to put yourself out there to succeed, because maybe if you do well then it might be a fluke which means more expectations. Or that you might not be able to duplicate it or even feel like a poser like you got lucky, but now everyone is looking at you to perform again. I see this all the time. This kind of fear literally takes options from you, because eventually it closes doors. Though there is always a door to open. You just get less choice. And you have to take a risk to even open the last door.
"This particular kind of fear is impoverishing because such a person never dares to find out how much he is really capable of doing." - Eleanor Roosevelt.
Then you have fears that are due to the unknown or lack of control. Point is, we need to have conversations with ourselves about what we fear, so that we do not let it control us when we feel out of control. Life is better and you reap more rewards when you are slightly uncomfortable. Feeling safe or running away from ghosts too much can lead you to even more unhappiness then people realize.
I know I have definitely learned this lesson and it is by no means easy. I am going to continue to fuck up, but as long as I keep going that is all that matters. With that, I leave you with some words from Eleanor.
"Do the things that interest you and do them with all your heart. Don't be concerned about whether people are watching you or criticizing you. The changes are that they aren't paying any attention to you. It's your attention to yourself that is so stultifying. But you have to disregard yourself as completely as possible. If you fail the first time then you just have to try harder the second time."
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