Past, Present, and Future
My friend bought me a book, well it is more like a workbook, titled The Nocturnal Journal: A Late-Night Exploration of What's Really On Your Mind by Lee Crutchley. Proof that I have amazing friends who really know me, because I am both an insomniac and a strange contemplator of human existence. Sounds dramatic, yet, still very much true. I might be taking a few ideas from that workbook that I feel deserve more exploration.
The first thing I want to explore is the past, present, and future. Growth or regressions, doesn't matter, humans transform with their experiences, yet we never take enough time to explore those changes to see if they are good ones or bad ones.
Past:
My past is a mixed bag of experiences. I was blessed to have a wonderful family and some really great friends who challenged me. In middle school and high school, I was the ADHD kid who struggled with academics yet wrote blog posts about politics. I had intelligence, but I never really wanted to play the games my teachers wanted me to play. My resource teacher, Mrs. Rosen, instilled a lot of wisdom in me that I never ever lost and when I saw value in the games my teachers wanted me to do, I used that knowledge and turned things around.
I have had people in my life tell me what I can and cannot do. I have had people in my life try to shame the things I loved or even who I chose to be friends with. Most of my past was dedicated to proving those people wrong and myself right. It challenged me to do things like go to community college and at the same time live away from home. To live in Ireland. To go to UC Davis. Then to follow my interests and passions which took me in the direction of AmeriCorps.
My past is filled with a drive to prove people wrong. This propelled me into great positions, but at the same time it was exhausting. Cause in a sense, I never really did things for me, even if they were things I loved. I did things because I had a point to prove. I never quit and it exhausted me. Truly exhausted me. This led to weight gain, losing touch with some people, and maybe even keeping people in my life that I should have separated myself from. So there were some high highs and some low lows.
Present:
My present is about me. I wonderful selfishness has come over me. I am doing things because I enjoy it, I am doing things because I want to, and the reason I am able to do this is because I have proven to myself that I can. I have nothing left to prove. I did well in school. I am doing well in my job. Something strange happened to me a year ago and a month. I was literally on my sofa watching Harry Potter, right after I got back from Harry Potter World, and I let out a sigh of relief. And I knew it was me saying to myself that I have done enough. I was doing well in my Master's program, I felt good at work, and I had gotten over some things that I could not control. From that moment, I just started to live the way I wanted and went back to the basics. So my present is exploring this new life where I feel absolutely no need to prove anything to anyone, because I have already proven it. And I don't honestly care if other people measure me on their terms, because I am doing exactly what I want. It's unnervingly freeing. I like it. Going to keep that feeling.
Future:
I guess the future will be the fruits of my labor to explore my own desires and wants. To just be. It will either lead me to something amazing or lead me to something not so great. But, I am surrounded by positive people who will let me know. Not in a controlling way or a judgmental way, but a way that lets me know that I have lost my way and I need to get back to myself again. I am rekindling friendships that matter and I hope my growth continues to foster feelings of freedom and balance. Two important things. This is what I hope.
I chose to put this all out there, because to share even to the abyss is an opportunity to learn something about myself and maybe even an opportunity to help someone else. Our stories are not linear, they are messy, but the main thing is that you own that you are the author of it. So to quote Doctor Who, "Just make sure it's a good one, eh?"
The first thing I want to explore is the past, present, and future. Growth or regressions, doesn't matter, humans transform with their experiences, yet we never take enough time to explore those changes to see if they are good ones or bad ones.
Past:
My past is a mixed bag of experiences. I was blessed to have a wonderful family and some really great friends who challenged me. In middle school and high school, I was the ADHD kid who struggled with academics yet wrote blog posts about politics. I had intelligence, but I never really wanted to play the games my teachers wanted me to play. My resource teacher, Mrs. Rosen, instilled a lot of wisdom in me that I never ever lost and when I saw value in the games my teachers wanted me to do, I used that knowledge and turned things around.
I have had people in my life tell me what I can and cannot do. I have had people in my life try to shame the things I loved or even who I chose to be friends with. Most of my past was dedicated to proving those people wrong and myself right. It challenged me to do things like go to community college and at the same time live away from home. To live in Ireland. To go to UC Davis. Then to follow my interests and passions which took me in the direction of AmeriCorps.
My past is filled with a drive to prove people wrong. This propelled me into great positions, but at the same time it was exhausting. Cause in a sense, I never really did things for me, even if they were things I loved. I did things because I had a point to prove. I never quit and it exhausted me. Truly exhausted me. This led to weight gain, losing touch with some people, and maybe even keeping people in my life that I should have separated myself from. So there were some high highs and some low lows.
Present:
My present is about me. I wonderful selfishness has come over me. I am doing things because I enjoy it, I am doing things because I want to, and the reason I am able to do this is because I have proven to myself that I can. I have nothing left to prove. I did well in school. I am doing well in my job. Something strange happened to me a year ago and a month. I was literally on my sofa watching Harry Potter, right after I got back from Harry Potter World, and I let out a sigh of relief. And I knew it was me saying to myself that I have done enough. I was doing well in my Master's program, I felt good at work, and I had gotten over some things that I could not control. From that moment, I just started to live the way I wanted and went back to the basics. So my present is exploring this new life where I feel absolutely no need to prove anything to anyone, because I have already proven it. And I don't honestly care if other people measure me on their terms, because I am doing exactly what I want. It's unnervingly freeing. I like it. Going to keep that feeling.
Future:
I guess the future will be the fruits of my labor to explore my own desires and wants. To just be. It will either lead me to something amazing or lead me to something not so great. But, I am surrounded by positive people who will let me know. Not in a controlling way or a judgmental way, but a way that lets me know that I have lost my way and I need to get back to myself again. I am rekindling friendships that matter and I hope my growth continues to foster feelings of freedom and balance. Two important things. This is what I hope.
I chose to put this all out there, because to share even to the abyss is an opportunity to learn something about myself and maybe even an opportunity to help someone else. Our stories are not linear, they are messy, but the main thing is that you own that you are the author of it. So to quote Doctor Who, "Just make sure it's a good one, eh?"
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